T-Rexis - Boys Don't Cry

A paragraph of blocky Cyrillic characters fell into place on Alexis's paper. It was easier for him to write in English than Russian, but this ensured that no one in the Village would be able to read his letter home, at least, not without putting some effort into it. Just as well--it was intended for his parents' eyes alone. Looking down at re-reading the first paragraph, he was certain that he would have to rewrite the entire letter, more than once, before he was finally satisfied with it.

Alexis paused in his writing. How much time had passed at home? Enough time to make his parents worry about why they hadn't heard from him on his "trip to see some college buddies". He frowned his first paragraph, an attempt to explain not only who he was, but where he was.

Of course, if his parents actually received this letter, it meant that Alexis would be beyond caring.

He paused before starting the next paragraph. They had to know everything he hadn't told them, just in case.

But he also had to tell them he knew their secrets, too.

Alexis stared at the letter, took a deep breath, touched pen to paper...and a knock came on his door.

He stared at the page for a second more before he answered, not even bothering to look through the peephole. There was only one person he knew it could be. Slowly, he pulled the door open.

Teruko stood with her arms crossed, her messenger bag slung over her shoulder. She had her hip cocked slightly, her expression between defiant and uncertain. Dangling from her hand was a take out bag from Makoto's bakery.

Relief washed over Alexis when he saw her. Relief that she was here, that she’d come back.

"Hi,” Alexis greeted her, with none of the normal cheer in his voice. "Come in, if you want. I can put on some coffee. Or tea, if you’d rather have that.”

"I think tea would be best. I'm a bit anxious and the extra jolt of the coffee would be a bit much." Teruko stepped toward him, unfolding her arms as she moved. She didn't reach out to him, but stood closer. Her heart skipped, her residual anger warring with her need to be comforted after her confrontation with Aine.

"Sounds good. Hang on a second." The relief Alexis felt moments ago ebbed away as a new tension entered the room. He stepped into the kitchen for a second to turn on his electric kettle and returned with some reluctance. The expression on his face was not unlike that of a guilty puppy. "I...you got my note?"

Teruko nodded. "The hyacinths were a good choice," she responded absently, digging in her bag. "They were lovely."

Alexis bit his lower lip as he approached her. "They represent sincerity...and asking for forgiveness." He wanted to take her hand, but he would wait. "I'm sorry, Teruko. About everything."

She looked up at him, head tilted, frowning slightly.

"I -" she sighed. "I forgive you. I realize that you do not find talking about those things easy." She shifted the bag, lifting the strap over her head and settling it on her opposite shoulder. "I hope we can talk about things more easily now though."

She held the bakery bag to him. Inside was a cardboard box. "I got you your favorite."

Alexis gave her a small, mirthless smile. "Reminds me of the first time you stopped by. Thanks." He took the box from her, fingers brushing against hers. Alexis deposited the kasutera, green tea sponge cake, on a small plate, and left it on the coffee table.

He gestured toward the couch. "I'm guessing you want to talk."

"Mmm." She lifted her pack again and sat on the edge of the couch, resting it on her knees. "I have some things for you."

"Oh?" Alexis sat down next to her, leaving a few inches of space between them.

Teruko fished out the small thumb drive Aine had given her, then the journal.

"Don't ask me why but after I yelled at Aine a little for being...well, herself…”

The beginnings of a smile lifted the corners of Alexis's mouth, just a bit. "Good for you."

“She gave me these. It is all the research she and Elation did, and Aine's journal." She held them to him, twisting in her seat to face him more. Their knees touched. She didn't pull away.

He gingerly took them both from her, and opened to a random page in Aine's journal. "I'm surprised she'd give these up. Are you really sure we trust them?”

"No. Aine is further gone than I thought. She doesn't remember specifics about interactions we have had. As in, any of her lucid moments." Teruko’s hands clenched. "If Elation is feeding that even a little, allowing it, she is an enemy."

Alexis kneaded his knuckles into his forehead. "I'll have her list of books soon enough. Alma's been pushing me to go part-time. Somehow she thinks it's the job that's stressing me out."

Teruko tapped her fingers on her bag, laid across her lap. "Mmmm. Maybe," she replied doubtfully. Alexis’s boss saw more than she probably let on. "Either way you have time to look at it. We will need to make copies to distribute to our friends."

She reached into the bag again and held out the quill and ink she had found him in the city.  "Here. I don't know if you are into calligraphy, but it can decorate your desk if you want."

Alexis inched closer to her. The miniscule smile on his face grew a bit more. "You know you're spoiling me, right? Thanks." He ran one finger down the quill, feeling the soft veins of the dark purple feather. "And you got it in my favorite color." He gave Teruko a quick kiss on the cheek. "I can't say I've ever attempted calligraphy. Maybe I should write you a love poem with it?" He cleared his throat. "There was once a girl from Japan...who dated a dirty old man..."

Teruko fixed him with an utterly blank stare.

Alexis gave her a mischievous grin. "What rhymes with tentacle?"

"Since the only thing I can think of is pentacle, I'm choosing to believe you are writing a poem about the worship of Cthulhu." She shook her head.

"That would be hard to fit in a dirty limerick,” Alexis replied, almost thoughtfully.

"No limericks."

"How about a dirty couplet, then? Much easier."

She pouted at him, and allowed her bag to slide to the floor. "Fine, but you have to write it using one of the quill nibs and the purple ink I gave you." She huffed. "And it can't be obvious that it's about me."

He walked a few paces to his desk to set the quill down, and then returned next to her, putting one arm over her shoulders.

"But what if I managed to churn out something absolutely beautiful?" He teased her. "You wouldn't happen to want your name on it then, would you?" The ease of conversation, their comfort with each other was returning. Even so, it didn't entirely lift the heaviness that hung around Alexis.

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "If you wrote something beautiful, then people should be focused on your beautiful words, not on me."

Alexis gave her a small chuckle. "Don't worry, I don't write anything that memorable."

Teruko shook her head. "I'm sure that's wrong.  Though with writing, history seems to give the greatest praise to authors who aren't recognized for their greatness until long after they are gone." She blushed, realizing how bad that sounded. "I'm sorry - in honesty it's the same for a lot of the arts... so I'm not really in much better of a position...that...I'll stop talking now."

"Nah." Alexis glanced at his hands. "Whenever I tried to write something original, it just ended up sounding too much like whatever I was reading at the time. I love books and learning. I'm not cut out to write what's between the covers."

Teruko shook her head again. "I have trouble believing that. I suppose I can't say much though since I haven't really read anything you have written except the cards you wrote over the holidays," she admitted, leaning into his arm a little.

"Considering I haven't written anything but academic papers in a few years...there's not that much to see, unless you're really interested in literary analysis. Or, 'bullshit', if we’re being honest about it.." He relaxed slightly, feeling Teruko lean against him.

She clasped her hands, running one thumb over the other in a self-soothing gesture. "In case you were worried, Siobhan went with me. I took the medicine, and you shouldn't worry."

"I would've gone with you, if..." Alexis looked away.

"I know. Neither of us was very fair this morning." The grip of her hands tightened, the knuckles turning white.

"We weren't,” Alexis agreed.

"I just want you to be honest with me. I am terrified you're having nightmares like mine because I'm polluting you. I was afraid of that before, even after you told me what I'd done...." Teruko had to stop, her breath catching. She breathed slowly, then resumed. "...what I'd done to Siobhán."

Alexis put his hand on her arm. "And I am trying to be more honest with you, it's just...hard for me. But it was just a bad dream." He moved his thumb along her tan skin. "They happen. And Siobhán...that wasn't your fault."

Teruko leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees.

"I had to have given it control. I had to have that moment of weakness." She plunged her fingers into her hair, pushing it back, bunching it at the nape of her neck and leaning back.  She deftly wrapped it and twisted it into a loose bun at the back of her head. She felt too warm. "And, Alexis, you had a bad dream that made you wake me up in the middle of the night to make sure I was there. I understand you're worried that I won't be there...but, you were upset. You were tense this morning and I don't think it was just...last night."

She looked over to him, that tiredness working its way back. Teruko hadn't realized how much she leaned mentally on Illuminis's calming presence in the back of her mind all those years. With it gone, she felt so alone. Dealing with everything truly by herself for the first time in her life.

"I've been worried, sure, but...you don't have to worry about me going crazy." He shifted to see her face better. "I just had to make sure it wasn't real when I woke up."

"Did something happen to me in your dream?" She asked softly, reaching out to brush one of his unruly locks away from his forehead. It dropped back into place. She didn't bother trying again.

Alexis nodded. Even if the exact details of the dream had faded, he could still remember a great deal of it. Too much. "You died. You...gave your crystal to me, but as soon as I touched it, it broke."

Teruko started, blinking.  "Oh... I see why you were upset then. I'm sorry I've given you reason to have nightmares like that."

"There's more." Alexis wasn't sure why he was telling her now, when he had been so tongue-tied in the morning. Perhaps it was because he needed to say something about it, because he didn’t want her walking out again. "I know Aine was in it. And Anscom."

Teruko raised her eyebrows. "That really IS a nightmare."

Alexis's hand went back up to his neck again before he could stop the motion. "It didn't end well.  For anyone."

Teruko’s eyes tracked his hand, flicked to his face. "Alexis, is that why you kept...." She reached out and gently touched his throat.

He jerked back at Teruko’s touch, as though an electric shock had run through him. "This is stupid. It didn't happen."

She drew back, clutching her hands in her lap.

"It doesn't have to be real to be upsetting," she murmured softly.  She looked down at her hands. "I can't tell how how many times I used to wake up screaming from nightmares, memories. I still wake up feeling my limbs to make sure they're all there. I used to dream about shadows tearing me apart."

Alexis folded his arms across his chest, like he was cold. One hand curled into a fist. His fingernails dug into his palm; later, there would be small crescent-shaped marks on his hand. "This is an interesting reversal."

She looked askance to him. "Is it?"

"You're usually the one coming to me." Alexis's voice was flat. "I really shouldn't let it bother me this much."

"Why?" Teruko asked softly. "It's okay to come to me if something is upsetting you. I sort of expect it, since we're, you know, together." She smiled a little.

"Yeah, but you...you have everything a lot worse off than I do." Alexis shook his head, disappointed in himself. "It's not fair to you. You're dealing with enough without listening to me whine."

Teruko frowned. "It's not a competition."

“I just..." Slowly, Alexis unclenched his fist. "Teruko, I'm fine. I can handle what's thrown my way. Most of it."

She shook her head. "You don't understand. You talk about this like our problems are more important, but they aren't.  You are just as important to me. Your feelings, your fears, they are mine as well and I would rather shoulder all of it together than you having to try and shoulder both of ours."

"But..." Alexis’s shoulders slumped slightly. "I've been trying to tell you more. I just...can’t."

"I understand. I think you need to let go of the belief that you don't have a right to talk about the way you feel, though." She stroked his hair. "I realize it is not easy for you."

"Right." He nodded. "I guess I'm just not used to being the one needing comfort."

Teruko's hand lingered on the back of his neck. "I know. It takes some getting used to."

"I don't even know why I'm like this. I just am." There was a faint, subtle edge of frustration in his voice.

Teruko took one of his hands in her own. "I feel like you do, and maybe...you should tell me about it. I feel like we only talk about me anyway." She gave him a half smile and squeezed his large hand.

"Playing psychologist?" Alexis suggested, his expression mirroring Teruko's. "You're not going to say," he affected a German accent, "'Tell me about your mother', are you?"

"I...kind of do want to know about your family, actually." She blushed. "Since we're together..."

"Just me and my parents." Alexis's eyes went to the letter on his desk. "We usually get along fine." He felt his chest tighten, anticipating what Teruko would ask him next.

He wrapped one arm around her waist. "But they grew up in a very different world than me. There was one time--" Alexis shook his head.

Teruko prodded him softly with a finger to his side. "Mm-mmm, you don't get to stop like that. What? What did you start to say?"

Alexis stood up. "The water should be ready. Hang on." He was in the kitchen before she could object, and returned about  a minute later with two steaming mugs and a box of (admittedly cheap) mixed tea bags. "I didn't know what kind you wanted." He offered her the mug a box before returning to his place beside her. "I'm not ignoring you. Just needed a minute."

Teruko accepted the steaming mug and box of teas. Pursing her lips, she considered the assortment before deciding on chamomile. Her nerves were still shot. There was so much she still needed to tell him. She wanted to tell him about Morrigan, about Illuminis,  and to ask him why he didn't tell her what all had truly happened when "she" had attacked Siobhán. It all had to wait. This mattered too much.

Fixing her tea, she scooted back, angling to face him, lower back against the arm of the couch.  She simply waited, eyes on his face.

Alexis took his time before finally selecting a bag of chai tea. He pushed the mug over on the coffee table, letting the drink steep. He could feel Teruko’s eyes on him.

Alexis took his seat next to her and put his hand on the back if her neck, idly playing with loose strands of hair. He kissed her softly and pulled away, though the temptation to pin her to the couch or carry her off to his bedroom was great.

Alexis took one of Teruko's hands in his. "When I was in, oh, must've been second grade, I remember throwing this temper tantrum. Don't even remember what it was about.  I was sobbing like only a little kid can sob." He ducked his head down, embarrassed. "My dad just gave my hand a smack and told me, 'boys don't cry'. And I'm not saying I had a terrible childhood or horrible parents or anything.” His voice sped up noticeably. “Because I didn't, but the message stuck." He looked down at his hand, entwined with Teruko's. "So I always tried not to get upset around him, but then Seryozha--”

Alexis stopped himself short again. Unconsciously, he squeezed her hand a little tighter. "I never told you about him."

She returned the squeeze of his hand with gentle pressure. She hoped it was encouraging. "No, but I'm listening now."

"I never told anyone about him. Not even my teammates. He--" Alexis froze.

Teruko tilted her head. "He...?"

Alexis could feel the shape of the words on his tongue. Mentally, he rehearsed them. Four words. Simple. "He was..."

He couldn't say them. Alexis looked at Teruko, giving him all the time he needed. He swallowed a lump in his throat. "My cousin." He opened his mouth again, but no sound came out.

Teruko saw him struggling, as if the words were painful to say. He was talking in past tense. She she could feel in her bones what he was trying to say, but waited, holding his hand, her thumb slowly stroking his skin.

Alexis pulled  away from her. "I can't talk about this."

Teruko leaned over and set her cup down. She clasped her hands in her lap and gave him his space before prompting him.

"Can I do anything for you? I... know this is hard for you," she  tucked a curl behind her ears and looked down, taking the pressure of her gaze from him. "Take your time."

Not "we don't have to discuss it". She knew she was pushing him, but felt she had to make him say it. She didn't know why. Was she punishing him? Or just desperate to feel closer after their fight?

Alexis shook his head. "I'm done."

Teruko chewed on the inside of her cheek, then shifted quickly, reaching down to snag her messenger bag with her fingers. She pulled it into her lap and opened the back panel, held shut with velcro. She reached in, pulling out a tablet of paper in a pale Alice blue and a teal colored pen and held them out to him expectantly.

"If you can't say it...try writing it." It was a little bit of a challenge. Deal with the man on man terms.

Alexis took the tablet and pen from her. He pressed his lips together and touched the tip of the pen to the paper. He shifted away slightly so Teruko wouldn't easily be able to see what he attempted to write.

He scribbled something, crossed it out, and hastily wrote something else down. "Teruko, why are you making me do this?"

She clasped her hands again, looking down at them, hoping he saw that she was trying to give him what privacy she could. "Because you're in turmoil. Because you need to resolve it. Because I've slept with you but I don't really know you, and I want to know you. A lot of good reasons, and some selfish ones thrown in."

"But I..." He set the paper and pen down on the couch and embraced her. "Fine. For you."

Alexis let her go, and started writing again. A list spread out across the lined page--names, events. He scribbled again, drawing circles around words, connecting them with lines. He tore out the page, crumpled it, and began writing on the next sheet of paper.

With a shaky hand, the notes from the front of the page fell into a paragraph.

If I have to talk about Seryozha, then I need to do it in the context of my family. I actually don't know much about my extended family, and my parents pretty much refuse to talk about them at all. They don’t have any contact with them, but I've always been curious about them.

He read it over, then handed it to Teruko. "More to come, I promise."

Teruko took the page, getting onto one knee on the couch to place a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you, Alexis." She shucked her boots, looking mortified as for the second time in one day, she had forgotten to remove her footwear inside a home, and tucked her feet under herself.  She read the paragraph slowly, giving him more time.

He gave her the smallest of smiles. "I kinda feel like a little kid, having to do this." Inhaling slowly, he began writing again:

The summer before I left for college, Seryozha found me on Facebook. We started messaging each other back and forth almost every day for about two years. We never met, but we became pretty good friends. We started talking about him coming to the US for a visit. We had everything set

He stopped writing abruptly. Something hot and wet was in his eyes. He couldn't do this.

Teruko looked over at him and saw he had frozen in his writing. She glanced at his face, and started. Tears glistened on his dark lashes, not falling but threatening to. She set the page he had given her down and gently placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Stupid," he said under his breath, which seemed to be getting faster. He looked away from her, trying to surreptitiously wipe his eyes.

He stared hard at the paper, one teardrop falling and smearing the fresh ink.

but you can probably guess from my reaction that he never made it over here. A couple weeks before he was supposed to come here --and now his hand trembled so much that his writing was barely legible--he died.

Another tear fell. And another.

I don't even know how. No details on record that I can find. I couldn't go to the funeral, no money to pay for the trip myself, and my parents refused to help me out at all. They didn't even like knowing that I was talking to him. He wrote faster now. "When they saw how upset I was, they pretty much told me why I shouldn't be sad, I'd never even met him, that they'd raised me better than this.</i>

Alexis swallowed the lump in his throat. He wrote one thing more on the paper before giving it to Teruko:

I don't know how to grieve.

Teruko read the paragraph quickly this time. She bit her lip when she read the words that confirmed her suspicion. Her hands clenched, crumpling the paper. Parents...well-meaning but saying stupid, horrible things that left eternal marks on their children. She hated that.

Alexis had every right to be in pain. And now she understood why he reacted so badly to even the thought of her dying.

He didn't know how to handle it.

She let the paper fall and slid to her feet, plopping herself into Alexis's lap, one knee on either side of his hips, and hugged him.  He couldn't easily push her away like this, not without dumping her onto the floor or, worse, the coffee table.

She clung to him, nuzzling her face into his neck, and simply held him.

Alexis wrapped his arms around her, pulling Teruko close to him. He could feel her heart beating, the rise and fall of her chest with every breath she took. "Teruko..." It was getting hard to breathe. Hard to think straight.

She gently stroked his hair. Softly, she murmured to him.

"Everyone grieves differently. Everyone endures their feelings in different ways. There's a belief that women wear their hearts on their sleeves, but it's not true," she whispered. "Some of us have to learn how to express ourselves too, and it's really difficult. That first time you have to confess that you're hurting to someone else, to let it out because it feels like you'll explode if you don't, it feels embarrassing, regretful. It's the first step, though, to processing it and getting real control over it. Because bottling it up, acting like the feelings aren't there, just makes them stay with you longer."

She leaned back enough to kiss him, high on his cheekbone, under his eye.

"It's okay to feel angry, or confused, or afraid. It's okay to feel sad. It's okay to cry. Boys do cry, Alexis. Men cry. There is no shame in expressing your frustration, your anger, your grief at losing someone you care about. That is really the first part of grieving. Admitting how you feel and just feeling it." She pressed her cheek to his. That little bit of empathy she had through Illumina was weaker than it had ever been, but like this, pressed body to body with him, she could feel the vibration of his pain, the tension in his body. The rising panic.

"You don't have to cry. If all you can do is just sit here, and hold onto me, then do that. I am here for you."

"It's almost five years now." Even his voice felt shaky. Alexis held Teruko tightly against him, burying his face in the crook of her neck. "And..." His lips trembled, his chin wrinkled.

"Why can't I..." Every word he said was halting, taking a great deal of effort to say. His hands were trembling. "Get over it?"

His voice broke, and unwanted tears rushed into his eyes. He bit his lip, trying to hold them back. They spilled over anyway, a few trickling down his cheeks. Then more. And more.

Sobs rose up in him, racking his frame. Alexis kept his arms wrapped tight around Teruko, holding her as close to him as he could.

She held tightly to him, stroking his hair, not shushing him, just murmuring wordless sounds of comfort. "Sometimes you never 'get over' something, the pain just gets more distant," she finally murmured, softly, near his ear. "And if it has been five years and you haven't yet learned how to process it, that would be why. I am here, Alexis, and I will help you any way I can. I will do anything I can to help you."

The sobs continued for a few more minutes, his chest heaving. Teruko's voice felt far off. Alexis wasn't even sure what she was saying, but it was soft and comforting.

Gradually, the large man stilled, taking slow, deep breaths.

He relaxed his arms a little, granting a little space for both of them to move. Alexis slouched somewhat. He felt...exhausted. Utterly drained. He tipped his head back, letting it rest on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

Teruko had stripped his defenses away, almost laying him bare, with nothing to hide behind.

The thought was terrifying.

For a moment he debated about saying anything else, about the dream that had brought them to this. "There's more." His voice was faint, and Alexis was surprised that he’d said anything.

Teruko nodded, then realized he couldn't see her. She ran a hand through his hair and made a soft, questioning sound, unsure of what to say.

"In my dream..." Alexis spoke slowly. There wasn't any good way to say what he was about to tell her. "If I lost you, I'm afraid of what I would do."

Her eyes widened. The way he ran his finger over his throat, his agitation. Her heart sank as she suspected what he was trying to say, then quickened as fear slid through her. Any ideation of sacrificing her body to save Maeve fled from her mind.

"To...yourself?" She asked. She wasn't able to hide the upped pitch in her voice.

"Not...not intentionally. But after Seryozha..." Alexis let his voice drift. "I made some bad choices." He closed his eyes. "Picked myself up again, obviously, but, looking back now..."

"Self-destructive decisions?" Teruko asked softly. It made her think of Sailor Devil, her violent and sometimes self-defeating teammate. "I understand."

"Mm." In the back of his mind, Alexis noted how calmly she spoke; he'd been afraid she would panic. "But I'm not..." He grasped for the right thing to say. He wasn’t weak. Teruko had to know that. He needed her to know that.

"You aren't the kind of person who would end things," she said softly. "You're not looking to run from it. You got overwhelmed with something you didn't know how to handle. You're worried that will happen again. Does that...sound right?"

He pulled away from Teruko, enough that he could see her face. "Something like that."

Teruko knew that her eyes would show him how sad she felt for him, and hoped he didn't mistake it for pity. She ran the back of her knuckles along his cheek, brushing away the dampness. She smiled at him, putting all of her warmth and love into that smile, smiling for him so he would know it was okay, so that he knew she didn't think negatively of him. Her own eyes were wet with tears - it was too hard to stop them entirely, with him bearing his pain to her.

Alexis felt something unloosen in his chest, like a knot that was finally starting to become untied. He vaguely wondered how long it had been there, without him even noticing it. "Would you stay here with me tonight?"

She nodded.

"Thank you." He kissed her softly. "I love you."

"I love you too," she replied as their lips parted, her breath soft on his face. "I'm sorry I pushed you."

He shifted a little, moving Teruko so her legs were across his lap. "I probably wouldn't have said anything if you didn't."

"Then.. sorry-not-sorry?" she quipped, though her voice didn't carry much amusement. She cuddled against him, feeling the solidness of his body against hers. He was here, she was here, and everything would be okay. She wanted to believe that more than anything else.

Alexis closed his eyes, feeling every breath she took. "You're not going to tell anyone about this, right? Not even Eva?"

Teruko shook her head. "Your personal life is your story to share. It would probably help you if you could talk about it with others, but that doesn't involve me telling people about it." She looked up at him, pushing away from him so that she could make eye contact. "Have I told him things you did not want him to know? If so please tell me...Eva was the closest...." she stopped, biting her lip.  Tonight needed to be about Alexis. "Anyway, please tell me."

He opened his eyes."Nothing that I can think of, but you really are the only one I've told, well, everything to. I'm...embarrassed, honestly."

She pouted a little, head drooping. "I'm sorry I made you feel embarrassed. I'm happy that you told me, though. I promise not to say anything to Eva-kun." She ran a hand through his hair. "Are you all right?"

"No," he said after a moment, nuzzling her. "But I will be. You know what I think we should do for the rest of the night?"

"Mmm...go through that thumb drive and journal even though we probably don't trust anything that is on them?"

He blinked. "I was going to suggest take-out and bad kung fu movies."

She gave him a tiny smile. "I have trouble watching those. One of my teammates grew up in a dojo, and she would pick apart all the cheesy stuff." Teruko ran her thumb over his cheekbone, then down his jaw, and stopped just before his lips. "Take-out I can do. I just might fall asleep watching the movies."

"Fair enough." He returned the small smile. "Just don't make me think anymore tonight."

"Even about what you want for dinner?" she teased, running her thumb over his bottom lip, almost an idle motion.

"Anything that's completely unhealthy." Alexis kissed her hand. "Everything else can wait for another day."

"Mmm...pizza is the most unhealthy food I think I've ever come near." She smiled. "I think there is actually a Western-style pizza parlor nearby.  I'm not sure you'd approve of Japanese-style pizza." She shifted to move off of his legs, sliding her own around so she could plant her feet on the floor.

"I never knew that seaweed was considered a topping until I came here." He leaned against her slightly. Yawning, he said, "I haven't done anything all day and I'm exhausted."

She leaned back, resting a hand on his knee. "Did you just want to go to bed?"

Alexis closed his eyes. "I don't think I can fall asleep right now."

"Did you want to lay down here then?" she asked, scooting to the edge of the couch to get out of his way.

"I dunno." He opened one of his eyes to look at her. "Clothes have a tendency to come off when we're together on couches."

She blinked rapidly, then blushed. "N-not every time." She stood up, looking about. "Ah! The cake. Did you want yours now?"

"Oh." Alexis sat up, looking at the cake and his no longer hot cup of tea, since forgotten. "Sure. Even better for a unhealthy dinner."

She laughed, bending forward to pick up the plate with cake and a fork, then turning to hand it to Alexis. "I will still order pizza, but the sugar should give you more energy."

"Sounds good." He took a bite of the cake, soft and not too sweet. "You've had quite the day yourself, haven't you?"

She rubbed her stomach, slowly becoming a nervous habit, while making a face. "I'd say so. I don't understand Aine - or Ériu! She gave me a flower. Just pulled it out of the air. I'm not sure what to do with it."

"Put it in water?" He suggested. "I might finally be at the point where nothing surprises me anymore."

Teruko nodded. "Water and sunlight, I just. Well, I guess I don't need to worry about my cat eating it and getting sick."

Alexis stretched his arms above his head and laid down on the couch. He didn't quite fit, but gestured for Teruko to join him.

She arched an eyebrow.  "Alexis, you're... You ARE the couch now. I'm not sure where I would fit."

Alexis sat up enough that he could see his feet, touching the arm of the couch. "So I am." He shifted until he was on his shoulder, leaving a bit more space, though not enough for both of them to lay side by side. A lopsided grin came to his face. "Right here." He put his hands around Teruko's waist, pulling her on top of him.

She gave a little yelp of surprise, finding herself wrapping her limbs around him to keep herself in place. "Y-you're an awfully warm couch!" she protested, sighing when she realized how odd that sounded. "You surprised me so much I started shouting silly things. Happy with yourself?"

He chuckled. "Of course. Seeing you flustered always cheers me up."

She stuck her tongue out at him, cheeks puffed out, the expression making her seem far younger than her twenty-one years.

"Oh, very mature, Kawarinaku." Alexis propped himself up on his elbows and gave her a quick kiss. The smile faded from his face, however. Even with her here, too many troubles weighed on his mind.

She straddled him for a second time that day, putting her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. She saw his smile fade. "You still have more on your mind, but you aren't able to talk about them right now, yes?"

"Just...everything in general." He played with a stray lock of her hair. "You're the only reason I'm still here."

She closed her eyes, shivering at the feeling of his fingers in her hair. "When this is over..." She took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "No, we'll talk about it another time. I just want to focus on the fact that you're here." She reached back and undid the loose bun, letting her hair fall around her shoulders. Leaning forward, enjoying the feeling of her hair trailing through his fingers, the tingling in her scalp, she pressed into him. Urging him back. As her lips drew near to his, she whispered, "For now, I'll thank you for being here with me.  For not leaving."

"I don't know what'll happen when this is over." Alexis felt Teruko's weight on him, and he let himself slip onto his back. "But I hope you'll stay with me."

Teruko kissed him, the pressure of her lips soft. She leaned back to look at him, one hand on the armrest of the couch.

"I can't promise that things will be easy since we belong to two different points in time and space. That said...I'll do what I can to stay with you. Even if it means bouncing between here and your home." She smiled. "Maybe someday, I can show you my home...my friends, who think I'm dead.  Someday."

"I would like that. And someday, you'd have to meet the rest of my team." Alexis felt a stab of guilt. He'd asked her to return with him without even considering that she still had her own world to return to. And in the far-flung future, if they really decided to stay together, one of them would have to leave their home behind...

"You're right. Let’s not talk about this right now,” Alexis said with a sigh. For a moment he felt like crying again, though he had no idea why. He could feel his stomach twisting itself in knots. "I'm not too hungry. I'd be okay with skipping dinner."

She gave him a slightly worried look, but nodded. "Well, you already had dessert so, at least you ate something."

Alexis arched his eyebrows at her expression. "Don't give me that look. I'm fine."

She pursed her lips at him. "I'm practically laying on you. I can feel the tension in your body."

"And what a fine blanket you are. It sounds like we've both had long days." He closed his eyes. "I'm okay with just doing this for, oh, the next week or so."

Teruko lowered her body, aligning herself so that she could rest her chin on her arms, which she crossed over his chest. "Physical contact like this is comforting but still a bit disconcerting," she commented. "I'm not used to it."

"Really?" There was a note of surprise in his voice. "Even now?"

She nodded after a brief pause.

"I just didn't have a lot of physical contact growing up. Reimu was the most physically affectionate friend I had, and my parents were gone all the time." She shrugged awkwardly. "It was always just me. I like it like this, it is just...new for me."

"I never asked you about your family,"Alexis said after a thoughtful moment. "I assumed that you just didn't want to talk about it." He shifted slightly, putting his hands behind Teruko's back. "It helps that you're so comfy."

She chuckled.

"There isn't much to say about them," she replied. "Mother and Father are business people. They are both power players at their company and travel the world, having long stays - months at a time - working in different branches as needed. Sales and business management, all that. I lost track of what they really do now. I think Mother is a VP and Father a department head.

"They like it that way. They took me along and we lived in America until I was old enough for compulsory education, then left me at home in Japan."

She heard the bitterness in her voice and felt ashamed. They only difference between her family and many others was that her mother was also a workaholic, instead of leaving everything to her salary man father. She shouldn't feel so angry.

"For about ten years to now I have been on my own, carefully hiding the fact that I was alone in the apartment all the time." She huddled into him, enjoying the warmth of his body. "I have always enjoyed contact, warmth. But I didn't live near Father's family, so I didn't have anyone to come visit. No one to just sit with and enjoy their company. Definitely no one there to cuddle or hold."

"That's..." Alexis didn't want to finish with "awful", even if that was how it sounded to him. "Hard to imagine. Not even pets?"

"Only Eva, once I met him, if he counts." The unspoken "so only in the last four years" hung heavily in her heart.

Alexis easily detected the sadness in her voice. "We both have parental issues, don't we?" There was a grim sort of smile on his face, not because he was happy, but because they were connected in a way they hadn't realized before. "You're not alone anymore."

That statement resonated with her. She felt the prickling in her eyes for only a moment before teardrops splashed onto her arms. She yelped in surprise, hiding her face.

Alexis pulled her closer so she was laying on him. He tried to move to his side so there was more room for them both, but the couch was too narrow. "Do you want to go to bed?"

She pulled herself away from him and slid to the floor, awkwardly kneeling in front of the couch. She brushed the tears away from her face.

"Yes, that's fine." She laughed. "I don't know why I'm crying. I'm happy, honestly."

"Of course. I was crying because I was so happy, too." Alexis sat up on the couch. "Don't you start turning into me. One coward here is bad enough."

He took her hands as he stood up. "But, thank you. For trusting me with that."

She let him help her to her feet. "No, I...I am happy that I'm not... alone now."

"Me too." He kissed her on the forehead.

Alexis walked with her to his bedroom, laying down on freshly laundered sheets. He turned to Teruko, remembering intimate details from the previous night: the softness of her lips, the way she trembled at his touch. It was impossible not to think about.

Teruko sat next to him, her hand resting on his chest.  She felt herself flush a little at the heat in his eyes a moment before. Unbidden, she thought of his body against hers, the feeling of his skin on her own. The blush deepened and she ducked her head.

Alexis saw her face redden, and an amused smile came to his face. "You're so adorable when you're embarrassed." He reached out to touch her leg. "We don't have to do anything tonight."

She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.  Her ears were turning red.

"If that's what you'd prefer." She plucked at the edge of her tunic.  Teruko leaned into him, moving her hand down to his side, her palm pressed flat against his shirt.

"Seems to me that's not what you'd prefer."

She looked innocently at him. "I'm just getting comfortable. I already told you I like to cuddle."

Alexis closed his eyes again. "Strange...I don't feel as tired right now."

She peeked up at him over her arm, flung across him. "Oh? Are you feeling better?"

Alexis put his arms around her. "It's nice just to have you here. That's enough to make me feel better."

She wriggled until she had a knee under herself and pushed herself up, knees on the bed next to him, one hand on the mattress next to him, the other on his chest, half-bent over him. "I'm not tired."

Alexis opened his eyes. "No?" He sat up slightly in bed, leaning his back against the headboard. "Any suggestions how we can spend the rest of the night?"

Teruko looked at him, her blue eyes dark, the pupils wide in the dim light of the bedroom.  Her lips parted as she leaned toward him.

"I want to spend tonight making you forget about anything but you and me."

"You will always..." Alexis reached over to lightly touch her face, running his thumb along her jaw. "Surprise me in some way." His thumb moved to her lips. A moment later he was kissing her, slowly, softly, thinking about nothing but his mouth on hers, the warmth between them.

Teruko melted into the kiss, nestling her body against his, focusing on the heat rising from him.  The warmth of his body mingled with her own, creating a singular energy between them as they kissed.  It remained slow and gentle, that breakneck passion that had driven her the night prior having been sated for the moment, now replaced with a need to simply feel, to give and accept affection.  To savor the taste of his mouth against hers, green tea and chai.

Alexis was gentle, moving his hands over her skin. He learned the shape of her, memorizing the curve of her waist, the hotness of her breath. Clothing was peeled away slowly, gradually revealing more of their bodies to each other.

Their hands, their lips explored each other in soft caresses and kisses as the room darkened around them. There was no rush tonight as pressed themselves together, forgetting about everything but the touch of their hands on bare skin.

When they finally made love, it was without the feverish desperation that had pushed them the day before. Calmer, rhythmic, a time devoted to doing nothing but connecting, enjoying one another.

As the night drew to a close, Teruko lay in his arms, breath coming in soft gasps. Her limbs were still entwined with his. She gazed at him, feeling weightless, floating listlessly in their shared energy. She gave him a tiny, languid smile. She couldn't formulate words to tell him she loved him, or that he was amazing, or that she wished they could stay like this.

She was enjoying this mutual silence filled only with their breaths and heartbeats.  Breaking the silence felt almost sinful, as if it would dispel the sweet intimacy they shared in that moment.

Alexis returned the smile, cuddling close to her. Silence wrapped around them like a blanket, warm and comforting. He closed his eyes.

He wouldn't need anything else, as long as he had this.